I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
