Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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