everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
