I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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