Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
