I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
