I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize