Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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