she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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