does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
