It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i think i just lost a toe
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize