My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
