My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
