she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A bitchslap is in order.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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