When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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