I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize