You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
