If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do herpes really smell.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
