Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
not ubering you a puppy
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
