dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
