wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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