Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
