Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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