Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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