It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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