i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
