i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
why do cheetos always look like penises
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
jump out the window naked night went bad
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