I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
