Cold hands, warm shart.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
