He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
