I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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