Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
