JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
