I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
