Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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