his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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