He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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