thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
