i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Sext me about skeletons
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize