My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
