I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
