I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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