a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
