After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
