so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
