Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
