The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
