when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
