haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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