I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
