Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
