Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
