I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
