Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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