did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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