is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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