A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
